I read this week that there has been a lot of anger on the right side of the political spectrum since the election on Nov. 6. Have you heard about this? Wow, those guys are really worked up! Some of them want to secede from the union. Yeah, just get up and leave the good ol’ U.S. of A. and start a whole new country. Man, they are mad!
The ones who don’t want to secede want Romney’s delegates to boycott the Electoral College. The idea is that, without a quorum, the college will not be able to select a president so the House of Representatives will be forced to. And guess who’s in charge of the House? Yep, the Tea Party. So they would get to pick the president—and what do you think the odds are that they would pick Barack Hussein Obama?
Now how does that grab you?
And the ones that don’t want to boycott the Electoral College are stocking up on shotgun shells and canned beans. Yes, it’s a gay old time in Tinsel Town tonight!
Judson Phillips, in a post on Tea Party Nation, said that this “triumph of liberalism” threatens to destroy our national unity and American greatness. That’s laying it on kind of thick, isn’t it?
Or is it?
You know, I used to think those guys were just a bunch of whack jobs, but now I see that they are actually a lot smarter than they look. They have somehow managed to uncover the full depth and scope of the liberal agenda—and they’re printing it on their websites and broadcasting it on Fox News!
I think it’s time for President Obama to formally launch Operation American Downfall. It’s a little premature because all of the details haven’t been worked out yet, but the Tea Party is not leaving us much choice. Now that the plan has been exposed, we have to roll with it.
Here is what they have found out: President Obama is, in fact, a Kenyan-born Muslim and card carrying member of the International Communist Party. Yes, it’s all true. Every bit of it. (And we liberals are all Communists, if you haven’t figured that part out yet). And President Hussein Obama (as he will soon declare himself) has worked with a cabal of elite American liberals (mostly college professors and New York Times reporters) to draft a top secret plan which will accomplish exactly what the Tea Party fears most: the weakening and ultimate destruction of American freedom.
We liberals want America on its knees. We are sick to our stomachs about all the bad things we Americans have done over the last couple hundred years and we think we should be punished for it. Unfortunately, we’re too powerful right now for anyone to punish us. So we have devised this plan to weaken the economy, tax the American people into bankruptcy, and cut the defense budget to practically nothing while simultaneously strengthening our enemies until they are in a position to chastise us for what we have done.
As I mentioned, all the details haven’t been worked out yet, but here is the rough outline:
- Show more weakness. One thing that would really help is a Second Big Apology Tour. President Obama needs to make another round in the Middle East to bow and scrape before every two-bit chief and potentate in the region until the world finally realizes we really have no backbone left and we are ripe for new attacks.
- Do everything possible to strengthen the Islamic world. Pakistan and Egypt could be stronger. We need to send billions more in aid to these countries so they can develop smart weapons and missiles with greater range on which to attach nuclear weapons.
- Embolden Islamic terrorist groups by pointing out all of our flaws—such as our free speech which allows cartoonists and videographers the opportunity to insult the Great Prophet and engage in all manner of blasphemies. We should apologize profusely for every insult and then increase the aid to Egypt and Pakistan.
- Drag our feet as long as possible to give Iran every opportunity to develop a nuclear weapon. Until they have one, we cannot rest easy. Our military and intelligence services have been far too effective in discovering and preventing terrorist attacks. What we really need are some loose nukes in the hands of Hamas, Hezbollah, and Al Qaeda to really shake things up.
- Continue helping China become the world’s only superpower. The best part of this is that we don’t even have to do Anything differently. Just keep sending our middle class jobs over there and keep buying their dirt cheap, pirated products and the rest will take care of itself. Cake.
- Regulate corporations until they squeal. We cannot rest until there is a regulation for how many squares of toilet paper you can put on a roll. Evil corporations should not be able to make a single unit of their product without a gold-plated government stamp on it. A bureaucrat should inspect each and every piece—and if even one of them has the slightest chance of adding one part-per-gazillion of carbon to the atmosphere, there should be a hefty fine. These evil corporations are going to have to learn that there’s a new sheriff in town.
- Tax fossil fuels into extinction. Recent storms are scaring the bejesus out of people, so they’re really starting to buy into the whole global warming thing. Only when America no longer has the ability to consume unlimited energy will it be at its most vulnerable. When gas is so expensive that even Senators can’t afford it anymore, we’ll know we’re getting close.
- Government is bigger than it has ever been—but it’s still not big enough. If all of our economic forecasts are correct, we could have nearly 87% of Americans on food stamps by 2016. When every American is dependent on government handouts to survive, they will be far less likely to put up resistance when the black U.N. helicopters arrive.
- Speaking of which: ban the sale and ownership of all guns. Even cap pistols. Possession of a gram of gunpowder will be an automatic sentence of three years in prison. Possession of a firearm: life in a comfortable suite in one of our new prisons with Olympic-size swimming pools, tanning beds, juice bars, and karaoke every Thursday night.
- Avoid tax breaks to the very wealthy at all costs. This could result in the creation of millions of jobs and could wreck the whole plan. The economy must be crippled in order to establish socialism.
So why am I telling you this now? Because there’s nothing anyone can do about it anymore. The victory of Barack Obama on Nov. 6 gives us the mandate we need to make these dramatic changes. And the sweetest part of it is, Obama has been telling us exactly what he was going to do for four years—and he still got more than half of Americans to vote for him! What a bunch of suckers!
We haven’t mentioned the re-education camps yet, but you might want to start stocking up on travel-sized toothpaste.